I bettered myself, grew up a little, learned how to not be so serious all the time, I’ve learned so many things but I never learned how to let go.
The pain of my past still haunts me to this day. Stupid little things I should have forgotten by now. But no, why would it be that easy? They say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and maybe that’s true. But maybe I don’t want to be stronger? I’m plenty strong. But then again, no. I’m not as strong as I pretend to be. Behind the hard exterior is a soft warm loving inside. And when I finally get something there, it’s hard to get it out. It’s like a trap, you can go in but you can’t get out.
And all the while its like I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up.
Maybe it’s wrong to say I give up. Maybe I really should hold on. But reality throws me back again and says its time to continue making yourself better, you can deal with your troubles, your worries and your illnesses. You are strong and you’re not alone no matter how alone you feel.
Sometimes I need to be reminded that it doesn’t matter how much you cry, the world is to going to stop for you. It doesn’t matter how much you care some people just don’t care back and when they do, it’s usually far too late.
Thoughts are racing. My head is spinning. What can make everything just perfect again. What’s that one thing? I’ll be searching.
I’m so sick of hearing your voice. I’m so sick of sitting at home alone at night hearing and reading about other people having a good time. I’m never invited I just sit here and waste away. I wonder if you ever think of me.
I wonder if I should just get drunk and drink away these feelings, or cut…
No matter how high on life I get, no matter how good I’m doing in life, something stands in my way and pushes me back to reality.
I realize happiness is just within my reach but I can’t seem to grasp it. Some days I don’t think I ever will and some days I graze happiness but I can’t make it last. I guess for some people that’s normal.
It’s funny I can go to work or go out with friends and have such a great time ill be laughing and everything and then all of the sudden BAM! Like a brick wall I’m stopped in my tracks.
I’m confused because there’s been so many boys lately that I feel like I don’t know who I really liked and who I like now. I feel like such an idiot for it. After I broke up with my ex boyfriend, I went on a downward spiral and was just desperate for affection. Finally I got over it, or so I thought. See some days I still get those feelings where I miss him and wish he was here. Or there’s another guy who confused me and told me he slept with me but his heart was with someone else… I liked him, and you know, I still do. And then after I finished up with that guy realizing things were pointless, I liked another guy, we talked for like a week through text and we hung out at my house once. (Nothing happened) of course a couple days later, he stops all contact with me. He’s still on my Facebook and I just can’t delete him, another mistake, getting feeling and being shut down again. It’s funny a guy could be standing in front if me offering me the world and somehow I always end up with the one who hurts me instead. I guess it’s my own fault. I’m so confused on who I like! And what’s happening with me. And now, there’s a new guy, charming and so sweet, but how exactly do I feel? I don’t know. I can honestly tell you, I don’t know.
I feel completely useless in that sense when it comes to emotions, I can’t interpret them, like I don’t know how I feel half the time.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know where to start to fix myself, but a good cry never hurt anyone…
Have you ever wondered where “there” is? or why it is so beautiful? Have you ever wondered if you’d ever make it to “there”?
I hope, that when I die, i can go without suffering. I hope that I too can see that beautiful place. And not to say that I believe in any almighty creator or not, I just want to go in peace and rest eternally. I hope that one day, when my time comes, whenever that is, that I will be ready to leave. There are times where I think I am ready to make my journey to “there”, but never do I follow through with my intrepid whims. I never give up even when i want to. Instead, I always resort to sitting myself down infront of a computer screen and typing out my emotions. And now, one of those times is about me, one of those times where I feel like I’m ready to make my journey, but then I look at myself and see that there is so much more left for me. I’m not pleading for attention - no, quite the opposite, I wish for life to carry on as normal. I just hope that one day, I will be able to let go of all the silly nonsense I’ve been carrying around with me. I hope one day to lay by my lover’s side, to experience that love and know it is eternal. I want to have a love, that even in death, will live on. I want to have friendships where we grow old together and still act like teenagers. I want to live a life that is meaningful and worthwhile. I do not want to sit infront of a computer, or lay in bed sulking, wishing my life would be better. I want to live, not just be alive. I guess you have to take that step into reality at some point. At some point, you need to grow up and realize that fairytales, as desirable as they are, are only stories that we tell children to give them hope. I hope for a better tomorrow, a better today, a better right now! I hope to never give up even when it seems theres no other way to go on, when I’m swimming in an abyss and can’t find my way out. I don’t want to give up. I want to live, and live I shall. And then, when that one day comes, the day I will join Mr. Edison “there” wherever that may be, I shall be content, I shall feel no pain, sorrow, or regret. I will be happy and look back on my life and be proud of what I have accomplished. I won’t give up. I will never give up.
Sometimes, just for a day, an hour, or sometimes even just a minute, I think about you, I think about how much I miss you, and I fall back in love, and for that day, hour or minute, my heart sinks and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m out of control. And then suddenly I’m back on track, perfectly fine, until even the smallest inkling of you comes about, that’s when the cycle begins again.
I was joking with the older lady who i work with and i was joking around about her sons saying “oh what if you were to become a grandma right now?” i told her she better buy them condoms and a box of plan b’s just incase. (obviously joking) and we laughed, and she went around the corner for a minute and the other girl i work with pulled me over and laughed a bit and said “omg her sons are so ugly they’re dirts, they go to my school.” i replied “well they have a great mom, they’re lucky” adding on “im sure they have a nice personality at least, you know looks can only get you so far”. I obviously don’t know her sons, but honestly i’ve been on the recieving end of those comments and its just so offensive. and i feel terrible. here i am working with a woman who is trying to help support herself and her husband and her teenage sons, trying to give them the best that they deserve and then her kids are bullied like that. you can’t tell me that they aren’t, because if one says something, there’s got to be more saying the same thing. it’s disgusting the way that children and teenagers (even some adults) treat each other. i honestly cannot fathom why there is so many people fighting for equality and saying that bullying is wrong when they themselves are hypocrites. here i am days later sitting up at 3 am and still having stirring feelings about those simple comments made. why did those comments offend me so much? Why didn’t i defend those boys to further lengths? What am i supposed to say to my friend? I just feel terrible. there are no words to express exactly how it makes me feel. honestly, sometimes, it’s just better to keep your mouth shut. People will say things and it will honestly bug me for days, weeks or months or more. i cannot handle it when someone says negative things like that. i just wish i could make things ok. i mean i feel bad for that lady’s sons. i just want to cry right now. honestly, fuck today’s youth, fuck schools, fuck society. im so sick and tired of this. no wonder so many young people are killing themselves. and most adults don’t understand, because yeah, they went through highschool too, but these days? it seems to be worse. And it bugs me more than it should, but i know what it’s like to come home crying, to feel alone, to feel like an outcast, to get sent to a different school being told that you are the problem only because you were defending yourself. i’ve been the one who’s had mean things said to them, things thrown at them, the one who never had a partner in class and as such ended up failing. i was the one who barely dated. i was the one who looked in the mirror and wondered why me? i was one of those people who tried to take their own life. so before you speak, think. your words can determine whether someone is going to be alive tomorrow. you never know how much even a seemingly joking comment can cut someone down. it may be funny to you, but it isn’t to the person being bullied. if you see someone getting bullied, STAND UP FOR THEM! dont tolerate it, be a friend, maybe even save a life.
I was 18 just got out of high school and one of my best friends was moving away that summer. Through my best friend and her parents I met a gay couple. (they were much older than me),They were my best friend’s parent’s friends and they offered to be someone to talk to, a gay person in the community so i wouldn’t feel alone. I was pretty grateful actually, that the cared enough to introduce someone who could help me when i get confused etc. Well, eventually my friend and her parents moved away and i just sat at home bored. One day, I got a message from one of the guys i had been introduced to. He asked me to come over and hang out. I was hesitant at first, of course, i barely knew these people. So i texted my best friend and asked her what to do. She told me to go over and said “They’re really nice people, don’t worry”. so finally, i hopped on my bike and rode over to their house. I got there and we went into the house. I was given a tour and then we sat on the couch and watched tv. Eventually the one guy asked me to come outside with him while he had a cigarette, so i did, i figured “what is gonna happen on his front porch”. So i went out there and suddenly he slipped his hand down my shorts. i was in shock and i didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I wanted to run, but i was too scared, so i went back into the house where the other guy was, thinking nothing would happen as long as he was there. Soon enough i was back sitting on the couch saying “i should leave now, my grandma will be waiting up for me”. but they kept telling me to stay as if i was obligated to do so. So reluctantly, i said i’d stay a bit longer. That was when the one guy grabbed me by the hand and said “let’s go cuddle”. I was hesitant, but too scared to do anything and figured that since they were a couple and they were both home, i would be fine. Well he led me upstairs and to the bedroom and suddenly turned around and started to kiss me while he struggled to undo my shorts. By this time all i could think was “what can i do?” and “i’m not safe but im stuck here, i cant do anything”. clearly, my thinking that because the guys boyfriend was home that nothing would happen was inaccurate. This was the first time that i had ever recieved oral, or done anything physically sexual with another person. I did not expect things to be like this. I felt completely trapped. There was two of them and one of me. they were both bigger and i was tiny. i didn’t know what to do. I was too sacred to say no, i didn’t say anything. soon after, the boyfriend came up to join and i really didn’t know what to do. i was absolutely terrified, i shook uncontrollably. i thought “so much for cuddling”. Soon, i was down on my knees doing things i hadn’t planned on doing. i felt so violated, but i was still too scared to stop or to say no, so i just let things happen. Eventually i got told to bent over the bed. i really didnt want to, i was so unsure and had never done anything like that before, but i did it, and they took turns fucking me. i felt so dirty, and disgusted with myself. trapped in that freezing cold bedroom. i couldnt wait for it to just be over. When it was all over, they told me that they do that with lots of people “even married men”. Afterward, i insisted that i had to leave. And I did. on my walk home, i didn’t know what to do, so i sent my friends messages telling them that i had just had sex. i needed t say something. i was still scared though. i had basically just been sexually abused. I swore not to tell my best friend. she was the one who talked me into going over, i couldnt make her feel bad for trying to help me make friends. Now i have this big cloud over me, feel so gross sometimes. sort of.. ashamed in myself, i lost my virginity to two people who i barely knew who were easily 20+ years older than. fear is debilitating. Now, here i am today telling you all my story. telling you not to let fear keep you silent, speak up! Say no! don’t let someone take advantage of you or do things to/with you that you dont want to do. fight back. I know sometimes that thats not always an option, but whenever it is a viable option, then you should. Stay Strong. You’re not alone.
No matter what you may say to bring them down, no matter what you do, the fact of the matter is, we, as people will do what makes themselves happy. Why does it matter to you who someone loves? What does it affect? Nothing. Being gay does not affect how a family runs, and does not affect any child who may be brought into a gay family. The fact of the matter is, straight parents, have gay kids, they are born gay. Why would anyone choose to be bullied, to be bashed, beaten up, and treated like a second class citizen? Gays are nothing to be feared. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn’t mean you need to be afraid of it and reject it. The sanctity of marriage will not be affected any more than it already is. If people are really concerned with what the bible says, they really should take another read. Honestly, people turn to a book written by people thousands of years ago when everything in the world was different. It especially irks me when people refer to the bible as an argument saying things such as “it’s adam and eve, not adam and steve”. Well, yes, that is what the bible says, but it also says that things like cutting your hair is a sin, so are you really that concerned with what it says? People have closed minds to the issues and even go out and proclaim that their view is correct and being gay is a choice, such as this article: http://christiananswers.net/q-aig/aig-c040.html A lot of people just like to take the parts of the bible that support their argument and use them to their advantage, but no matter what, quoting the bible will not change how things are.
Whether their views are correct or not, that doesn’t matter, the lifestyle of gays does not condemn you in any way. If you don’t like it, don’t worry about it, nobody is saying “oh you have to be gay, it’s the cool thing to do everyone should be gay”. Whereas many heterosexual people like to say “Being gay is a sin and the only righteous relationship is between a man and a woman therefore, you have to be straight or you’re condemning yourself to hell”. Well, Why does it matter to you? It’s their life, not yours, let the gays be happy.
Another issue I find is many straight men will condone homosexuality between two women because its “sexy” but all in the same, they will still say that “gays are disgusting”. I’m sorry to say, but when you say “gays” or “homosexuals”, you’re still talking about those lesbians you found so attractive. There isn’t much difference between a relationship between two women, or two men, or even a man and a woman etc. What about two women makes it so right? Maybe straight women find two guys together “sexy”, does it really matter? It doesn’t.
Just let people live their lives in peace, and happiness. Don’t be so quick to judge, we’re all humans. Love is louder than hate.
I just stood here and stared at my reflection for a good 5-10 minutes. The person I see though, is not me. The person I see has tired, angry eyes, full of hurt, regret and someone on the verge of giving up. Those eyes cried as I stared at them and as such, my own followed suit. Seeing so much pain in the eyes of someone, I feel like I’ve never met. Someone who stared back at me in my reflection today told me to give up, give in to temptation, it told me that hurting myself was okay. I saw the sadness and pain in those eyes. Those eyes weren’t mine. Those eyes belonged to a stranger. A lifeless passenger joining me on my journey in life. I saw a soul full of torment and anguish. A soul who doesn’t know the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong. A soul so full and complete with negative energy that I had to fight myself to keep standing. I stood there, shaking hands as it seemed my body was being taken over and just before it was too late, I stopped. You know why? Because I’m still here, the real me, the one who is being suppressed by these demons. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to suffer. All I really want, is to find peace. And here I sit, alone in the corner of my washroom, shaking, struggling to fight my way out. Fighting for the day when this stranger leaves, and I’m finally free.
the ones you think are better than me, or the people that you’ve just walked over. If you hadn’t met me, so much hurt could have been avoided by more than just me.